2001-01-15
03:20:50

Marcella wrote an entry in response to the entry I wrote yesterday. You guys should go and check it out.

Sometimes I hate the fact that I am so concerned about doing the right things. I mean, sometimes I just want to know what it would be like to go to some party, and get drunk. Sneak out of my house in the middle of the night. Instead, however, my mind goes over the negatives of each horrible thing I could do, and I decide that it's not worth the trouble and the risks. I know this is a good thing, and I am proud that I can resist peer pressure. Sometimes, though, I can't help but want to try things others my age are trying. I won't though, because it's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be.

Sometimes, I think I tried to grow up too fast. At eight years old, I was more content curling up in a chair in my room, reading my small little chapter books, instead of playing with my friends outside. I've always enjoyed my time alone, I'm happy alone. I guess it's part of being an only child, you learn to entertain yourself, you learn to be alone. Then, when my mom married my step-father, and he started on his wonderful, "you're good for nothing" tirades, I had to learn quickly not to let what he said get to me. I had to learn to stand up for myself, and I also started to try to be perfect to avoid his harsh words. I also tried to be there for my mom, hugging her when she would cry after one of their fights.

I think that's when I really started to bottle up my emotions. I was trying so hard to make life easier for my mom, that I didn't think she should have to deal with my problems. I tried to talk to my dad once, but he never really believed what I said until recently. I quit trying after a while. It became a habbit for me, I had a problem, I'd go up to my room, cry into my pillow, and deal with it myself. I always tried to make the best grades in my class, crying if I got below an A. I never got into trouble at school, never even got my name on the board. Regardless of everything I tried to do to be perfect, my step-father could still find flaws, and I think dealing with him made me grow up quicker than I should have.

I've noticed I've been talking about my step-father a lot lately, and I don't really know why. He's a bad part of my past, that I would like to forget ever existed. I know that's not really possible, and there are problems, considering I am still close to his parents. I guess now that I finally have time to deal with my past, memories that I tried to forget, are surfacing.

"Today I found my face
floating in a puddle of grace
a porcilin doll with cracks to mend
oh mama, I found a friend"

Amy Jo Johnson "Puddle of Grace"

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