2001-04-28
5:15 p.m.

Sometimes I wonder why I always have to put up this front of being so strong. My grandmother, who I am very close to, who half raised me, is in congestive heart failure. I know this doesn't mean she is going to die tomorrow or anything, but it just makes her death seem so much more real. She had a stroke three years ago, and has been unable to care for herself, or even talk since. This is just one more thing to add to the heap. I know as soon as she dies, my grandfather will die right alone with her. That's what hearts linked for 57 years will do, when one heart stops, the other one follows. My grandparents are the type that everyone loves, the type that would die before letting a single family member suffer one moment of pain. After finding all this stuff out, I didn't cry. I said I was fine. I ended up holding my mom, and stroking her hair as she sobbed into my shirt. I blinked back the tears that were stinging my eyes, and I told her everything will be okay.

Now, all I want to do is call Jenn, and I want to talk to her. Somehow she could make everything okay, but no, that's just one more thing that has been taken away from me. What has this world come to when love is scorned, and hatred almost seems welcome. Acts of hatred broadcast on the news every day, but what about acts of love? Hardly a word is ever spoken about them.

I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the breaking point. The point where all those thoughts that I keep inside come exploading out. People need to get back to things that matter in life, the things that really count. Skin color, sexuality, popularity, does it really matter at all? Everyone is made up of the same cells, the same emotions, and when we die, our bodies all go to make the same dirt. Maybe we can all learn something from dirt, it doesn't care who's feet walk upon it, or where it is placed, it just exists in harmony. Why can't people do the same? Why am I kept away from the one person who I really need to talk to, to hug? Because people are too concerned with petty differences and arguments to really care about the emotions involved. I pray I don't reach the breaking point any time soon, because it will be one hell of an explosion.

I have also found a wonderful site for parents of gay/bi/transgender youth. It addresses concerns any parent may have, and it also helped me feel better about myself. Some of the same questions that I have asked were also answered here. It's a wonderful site for parents, and youth alike. Go here.

If it's not too much trouble, could everyone just whisper a little prayer for my grandmother?

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