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2001-04-20 I finished reading my book, "Curious Wine", by Katherine Forrest, and I loved it. I got to the last page, and just felt lost. What was I supposed to do now that the book was over. That's what I hate most about the speed of my reading, I finish books shortly after I start them, and I don't savor it as much as some people do. There were some parts in the book where I couldn't stop my mind from wondering to things Jenn and I had said in the past, they seemed to parallell things in the book. I found myself missing Jenn even more. Two weeks, two weeks since this whole mess started. It's been the longest two weeks in my life. I miss Jenn so much, and not just the Jenn that I am in love with, but my friend as well. I was on Lesbian Nation, and I found a quote that made me smile. As most of you know, I have had problems with my religion, and my feelings toward women. The quote that this woman said was "He (Jesus) never healed anyone of being a homosexual." In that moment, I felt that everything would be okay. Jesus healed so many people, but he never healed anyone of homosexuality. If it was such a bad "sickness," wouldn't He have healed it? So, I guess I just needed that little boost to feel better about myself. I'm more confident now, not just because of that simple line, but because I am finally comfortable in my own skin. A little bad news, well, more than a little. My mom had applied for disability because of her heart problems, fibro mialga (sp), minears desiese, and arthritis. We were really counting on this disability money, because even doing simple jobs, my mom just can't work. It gives her chest pains, and makes her extremely tired. Tired to the point where she can't even really care for me at all. Well, since disability was denied, she's going to have to go back to work. I fear that time. I mean, as much as I love her being out of the house, the times when she was working.. We ate fast food almost every night, I only saw my mom for a few hours each day, when I did see her she was often too tired to carry on any meaningful conversation with me. I've offered several times to get a job so she doesn't have to work, but she won't let me. I don't even know if I could really do it anyway. I mean, I guess I would if I had to, but just thinking about it sometimes gets my panic attack trying to flare up. I just hate having to worry so much about my mom's health, and the money. ::sigh:: I just have to keep hoping that everything will work out. "And we laughed, at the world <-//->
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