2001-03-01
04:08:56

Okay, so I've been writing this entry in my head for the last hour or so, trying to decide if I actually was going to post it or not. I worry what people think too much, but then it hit me, this is my diary, whether it's public or not, and I can write my thoughts in it. My feelings. If people judge me on it, then I loose readers, but the point of my diary isn't to have readers is it?

All these thoughts kind of came to a head today whith a disagreement my mom and I had while eating dinner tonight. First, however, for everyone to understand this, I have to go back a little bit.

For the past few years, I have wondered about my feelings toward other girls. I found myself staring at beautiful girls as much as I did guys. In my mind I always put it as looking at competition, or just appreciating beautiful people. I had too much going on at that time in my life to think of it as anything else. So all those emotions were pushed as far out of my mind as I could. Then my friend Jake told me he was gay, and I was so amazed that he could admit it. So those emotions started bubbling to the surface again. Then, a very close friend admitted that she was bi. So, then I look around and suddenly I realize that I am not alone in the way I feel.

Finally I tell a few people, including this close friend, my little secret. The next thing I know, I have a date, and I am in a relationship. Actually it was a little more complicated and talked about than that, but you get the point. I love every minute of it. She and I know each other so well, that everything just seems right. An online friend asked me if I was ever going to tell my mom about myself, and I told her when the time was right I would. I don't really keep any secrets from my mom. Well, now I think this will be a secret that I keep for a long time.

So, back to dinner tonight. My mom knows this friend is bi, but she doesn't know about the relationship that we have. So, my mom and I are talking about the move, and I was saying I really didn't want to move, that I like the area I lived in and the friends I had here. She then made a comment about how she worried about how much time I was spending with this bi friend. She told me that she didn't want me to suddenly find myself in a relationship with her and not know how to get out. Well, that's all fine and good, my mom is entitled to worry about my well being. So, I tell her that I'll be careful, thinking that the conversation was over. I was wrong. She begins to go on and on about how easy it would be for that to happen, and that it was so wrong, and then she begins throwing God and the Bible at me.

Religion has always been an interesting subject for me. I believe in God, and Jesus, and other such stuff like that. I am a Christian. However, I believe that some of the stuff that is said doesn't sound right. Can you honestly tell me that this all mighty higher being is going to send me to hell for loving someone. Is he going to send me to hell even though I live a good life, and I help people, I don't drink, I don't cuss, I don't do drugs. If that is the case, then maybe he isn't such a wonderful being afterall. In my heart, I believe that God will look at the whole person, not just the fact they may be bisexual. If you want to read a wonderful entry about some things wrong in the religion world, read this entry. I agree with almost everything she said in it.

So, anyway, after hearing my mom go on and on, I finally just nodded, and went into my room. I guess this is one thing that will be kept secret in my life.

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