October 14, 2002
1:08 a.m.

So, tonight we got the results from the first tribal council on Diary Survivor, and I was the first one kicked off. As stupid as I feel being the first one, I am actually kind of thankful. I really wanted to participate in the contest, because it is a very fun, nifty thing, but, I really shouldn't have applied. I was in surgery the other night, and I was worrying about getting home in time to write my first immunity challenge. Deffinately not where my head needed to be. I got home that night, after watching a puppy die, and wrote a quick immunity challenge, not really even spending any time on it. My heart wasn't in it, and why participate when I am not even going to try. It wasn't even the first week, and it had already become a chore for me. I already have enough of those, no need for anymore. :)

The other day, I started feeling bad for focusing mostly on the clinic in this diary, and then, I had to stop, and laugh at myself. I was feeling bad for what I was writing in -my- diary. I guess that's the problem with a public diary, no matter how hard you try and keep it for yourself, it has a way of becoming for the audience. This is me though. The clinic is such a large part of my life, and, as pathetic as it sounds to be such a workaholic at eighteen, I am happy. I have made a difference there. I have saved lives. Wow. So, as long as the clinic makes me smile, then, it will be a focus of this diary. Sometimes, I just have to remind myself who I write for.

I have changed a lot, and I have been seeing that more and more lately. I've began to pull away from my Mom, she has a boyfriend, and, for the first time in a while, she no longer needs me as her crutch to lean on. I am thankful for that. I never really realized how emotionally draining it had become. I don't blame my Mom for that at all, I'm glad she had me to turn to, but, it will be nice to not have such adult worries, if only for a little while. I don't think I will ever really 'act my age' though, I think it's too late for that. Most of my friends are in their twenties, even thirties, and I am far more comfortable around them then kids my own age. I don't know, I guess that if I continue on that path, I am going to miss out on a lot of things, but, maybe I will gain some things as well.

I don't really know the point of this entry, but, for the first time in a while, I just felt the need to write. Even if my words don't make sense, I just had to get it out. The sad thing is, the thing I want to write about, I am too chicken to. Or maybe, it's not that, but, just that I don't know how to say it.

"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture"
Angelina Jolie "Playing By Heart"

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