2001-05-13
11:59 p.m.

I'm proud of myself, because I have finally reached a point where I can look in the mirror and not be disappointed in myself. Where I can smile, and know that I am not hiding anything, that I am not berating myself. I am proud of me, of who I am. This whole revelation started with a letter I was writing to Jenn's mom, in it I was saying that I was sorry she was hurt, and I found myself almost apologizing for being who I am and loving Jenn. In the middle of writing that, I shook my head, deleting the sentence. What in the hell was I thinking? I'm not sorry, I will never apologize for being me. I will never apologize for loving someone. In that moment, I realized that I have finally reached a point where I am not disappointed in me.

For such a long time, I actually hated myself for feeling the way I did, for being bi, or lesbian, or whatever it is I am. I just wanted to fit in, I wanted to be "normal." I was so disappointed in myself, angry because I wasn't what everyone thought I was, I wasn't perfect. So, it made me try two times as hard to be as perfect as I could be, so everyone else would be happy with me. I realize now, however, that while I was going around, making everyone else happy, that I was disappointing the most important person of all..me.

When it comes down to who's opinion is important in life, mine is the only one that will really matter. I am the one who has to look in the mirror everyday. It doesn't matter who else accepts me, as long as I can be proud of who I am. That is what should be taught in schools, what should be taught in life. Be proud of you.

Today, when my mom was saying something about me growing out of this or whatever, I finally felt confident enough in myself, in who I am to tell her what I thought. I turned to her, and I told her that I was sorry that she was having a hard time dealing with everything, and that I was sorry she had to find out at a time when she was already having problems, but that I was very happy with the way that I felt, and I didn't want to change it. I think I surprised her, because normally, when the subject comes up, I quickly bring up something else. It's not that I am ashamed to talk about it or anything, I just don't want to get into another discussion where the Bible is brought up. She got quiet for a second, and then said 'Don't feel sorry for me. It's not my place to judge you, and I love you no matter what. I just need to get my act together and deal.' She's really doing quite well, dealing with everything, but she has those times when she slips, where she will say a comment, most likely not meant to hurt me, but a comment that hurts me to the bone. I don't say anything, I just give a half-hearted smile, and turn away. It hurts a lot sometimes to know that she is somewhat disappointed in the life I am choosing, because in a way, she is disappointed in me. I hate it. I guess I have always been one of those people who seeks approval, I don't really know why. I think, however, that I might have finally reached that point where I am the only one I need approval from. I am a strong person. I love whole heartedly, and I will be your friend until the bitter end. I approve of myself

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