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2001-06-24 Wow, this is my two hundredth entry. Two hundred times I have sat here in this chair, and spilled my heart to a deep sea of strangers. Two hundred entries have seen me through death, heart break, amazing love, secrets, and fear. Most of you know more about me, than I know about myself. In these two hundred entries, I have discovered so much about myself, I have found me, the me that got lost for a while. This diary has also allowed me to let my real life friends see a side of me that I was to afraid to show them. I went back and read my first entries, and I marvle at how much I have changed in these past months. I've become a more truthful writer, digging deeper into my heart, and writing more meaningful entries. I laughed as I read one entry where I tried to be a "normal" girl, and talk about boys. When I read over it, I can clearly see my heart wasn't in it. Two hundred entries later, I've learned to write with my heart, so that all my entries are more truthful to me, to who I am. I am proud to say that I am learning from my mistakes, and I think that it is evident in my writing. I'm becoming a more rounded person, someone that I can be proud of. I have met so many wonderful people here at diaryland, making friends that I feel I have known my whole life. Marcella was the first of these friends. We began by talking about X-files, and found that we were more alike than we ever imagined. Before I knew it, I was talking to her on the phone, and making plans to fly across the country to meet her. She's made me laugh on days where I never thought it was possible. I consider her one of my closest friends, although over three thousand miles seperate us. I owe Ashley so much, more than I could ever give her. At two in the morning, on a night where she had to get up by seven, she was trying to knock some sense into two stubborn strangers. Our pride blurred out common sense, but Ashley didn't give up until she had set in motion steps that would make everything right again. She helped give me my best friend back. There was nothing in it for her, nothing for her to gain, but she selflessly helped two people who she had never met. Through her I learned that there are still people out there who truely care. Megan and Mary became two of my closest X-files buddies. Sunday nights were always a blast as we talked about Doggett's stupidness, Mulder's thick headeness, and Scully's wonderfulness. Megan even sent me a teddy bear for no other reason than the fact that she wanted to bring a smile to my face. How many people are there left out there who will do that? Then Mary and Marcella made the most beautiful animated gif that had me crying tears of joy, tears showing how amazed I was that there was someone so sweet. It was simple, but the meaning, and the thought behind it was amazing. Two hundred entries have brought me so many dear friends. Without you guys, I don't think I would have the spirit left to be strong. Everyone of you who has taken just a moment to write me a little note, you have given me strength, and hope. I have also discovered that I have admirers, people who have admitted to having a crush on me. I am so deeply honored by this, because I know that these people like me for my mind, since that is pretty much all that I have given. My words have weaved a spell, shaping me into a person that people can look up to, a person people can trust. I've made a difference in someone's heart, I have given people strength, even when I felt I had no strength left. There is nothing more honorable than that. So, happy two hundredth entry dear diary of mine, may I continue to change and grow as a person. My birthday is only a week away, so as I celebrate another year gone by in my life, I will have the knowledge that I have truely come far. I have found love the ignites my heart, I have found friendship that I feel will last for centuries, and I have found hope, not an easy thing to come by. <-//->
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