May 18, 2005
8:59 p.m.

Shit happens, right? Sometimes it's hard to remind myself of that. Dogs die, and sometimes there is just no reason. Text book anesthesia. Dry surgical field. Flawless recovery. So, why is the same dog dead in the morning?

Dr. C broke my heart today. If an animal dies, she always believes that it is somehow her fault. We don't know why Heidi died, and I think that's what's so bad. Without a definite answer, it becomes what did we do or what didn't we do? Dr. C looked at me, while we were alone in the back, and just started crying, 'It makes me second guess everything.' I didn't know what to do. She is such a complicated person. I ended up hugging her and telling her that she couldn't save every animal she touched. She is the most attentive vet I have ever met. If she even begins to suspect that something isn't 100% she is double and tripple checking it. That's why I hate it so much when she blames herself. She is so invested in her patients. That's why I trust her so much with my animals. No matter what I say to her, however, she is still going to blame herself. I don't know, I just hope I made it a little bit easier by just being a friendly shoulder to cry on. Fuck, I hate losing healthy animals.

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