2000-11-17
04:42:04

So, after I wrote my last entry, I took a shower. While I was in the shower, I had the most profound sense of sadness overwhelm me, then a sense of peace. No, I'm not phsycic or anything, but when I get these feelings I know they are real. So I turned off the water, didn't even shampoo my hair, got dressed, and walked straight outside to see my horse. When he wasn't standing there patiently waiting to be fed, I knew something was wrong. So, I walk outside, barefoot, in the rain, with wet hair. Then I see Cracker, on the ground. He neighed when he saw me, and tried to get up, but he couldn't. I knew this day would be coming, but you never expect it when it happens. So, I go wake up my mom, we call the vet, and she put him down. Cracker had a really bad heart murmur, and there was nothing that the vets could do about it, so he slowly got weaker and weaker, until now. I've heard the saying that everything happens in threes, well in the past four/five months, I have had nine animals die. It makes me feel like I am a horrible pet owner, you know, what am I doing wrong? Animals are my life. THey're what I get up each and every morning for. I know that it's not my fault that they have died, there was a special case for all of them. I'm just a little upset, and self-hating right now. I'll be okay. I'm thinking that next entry will be a tribute to Cracker. I'll put in a few funny stories about him, and some pictures. I'm too emotionaly drained right now. I took four times my normal dose of Xanax, and I'm still shaking like a leaf. Cracker was my first horse, he taught me everything, and I love him for that.

"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven
would you be the same
if I saw you in heaven
I must be strong and carry on
cause I know I don't belong
here in heaven"

"Tears in Heaven"

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